Hu Hired

"Hu" has been hired on as Staff Asian.

Hu

No further comments at this time.

- Horatio

Sunday, June 18th, 2015

Lunch - A lot of fried shrimp wontons. Each one was more delightful than the last.

Dinner - Shivanti's chicken pot pie - my goodness gracious Sammy Ganesh is was a delight. It was so good that I ATE PEAS.  I ate more peas yesterday than I had eaten in my entire life to that point. Estimated -  27 yesterday; Before yesterday - 6.

Late Night Snack -  No comment was given.

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2015

Lunch - 7 deli pickles. Thats all I've got to say.

Dinner - 6 or 7 more deli pickles. Also - Shivanti's Sri-Lankan turkey cutlets. Which was just fabulous.

Late Night Snack - Yeah, but no comment. No wait - Ill comment on them. I had some tortilla chips, a couple more pickles, and some more of the turkey cutlets. No more comments.

Monday, June 15th, 2015

Food information for this day has been REFUSED by Dr. Morris.

- Management

Gary Fempot - "Hired"

Gary Fempot has been hired as Staff Toenail.

Gary

Gary will offer personal advice sessions, as well as hot dog beatings, as requested.

- Horatio

Sunday, June 14th, 2015

Lunch/Dinner - Shivanti's turkey meat sauce and spaghetti. phenomenal work by the master chef as usual. Each bite was a small bit of heavenly goodness.

NOTHING FURTHER. 

Saturday, June 13th, 2015

Breakfast - N/A (International Hippo Massage Day)

Lunch - Turkey hot dogs. While I was eating them, I watched some 2001 world series highlights and I can't believe this actually happened, but Byung-hyun Kim gave up TWO TYING HOME RUNS IN THE NINTH INNING AND ONE WALK-OFF HOME RUN IN THE 10TH INNING IN THE SAME WORLD SERIES. It's got to be the worst pitching performance in World Series history.

Dinner -  TBD

"Byung-Hyun Kim?!" - Derwood Morris

Thursday, June 11th, 2015

Lunch - Publix sub - sliced chipotle chicken, lettuce, cucumbers, salt/pepper, and "all the vinegar in the town of Loganville, Georgia" - but that was what I like to call "self-inflicted vinegar."

Dinner -  Refused to be disclosed after consistent requests (mule).

Tuesday, June 9th, 2015

Lunch - Wendy's chicken nuggets - Quality Quinten Quigley Jr. (of Mayopac, NY)

Dinner -  Salad with caesar dressing, and it was special.

Complaint filed with HR; Juan (no last name) Hires Himself

Juan (no last name) has hired himself as Staff Administrator.

Juan

Upon his hiring, Juan immediately filed two complaints with HR.

Complaint ID: 001
Complainer: Juan (no last name)
Complaint: Stolen Ham Sandwich
Filed Against: Brian Gregory
Evidence: Piece of ham hanging from left side of Gregory's mouth
Comments: Name was written clearly on lunch bag.

Staff Decision: While Brian Gregory would normally handle a complaint like this, he cannot handle a complaint filed against himself. As founder of the company, Capolo made the ruling in this case.

NOT GUILTY.

Punishment: Juan - 20 lashes to backside.


Complaint ID: 002
Complainer: Juan (no last name)
Complaint: Odor
Filed Against: Gene the Rhino
Evidence: While sitting at the desk next to Gene, Juan complains of foul Rhino odor emanating towards his desk.Juan lost his left arm in the struggle.
Comments: Gene is in fact a rhinoceros.

Staff Decision: Gregory rules in favor of Gene, stating that Gene is controlling his odor to a reasonable level based on the fact that he is a rhino.

NOT GUILTY. 

Punishment: Juan - hit five (5) times over head with hammer, plus seven (7) days administrative leave.

- Horatio

**UPDATE** 

Juan has promoted himself to head of sales. 

Brian Gregory Hired as Head of HR

As our site expands towards new horizons, and the company grows, many hires will become necessary to facilitate a safe and friendly working environment.

To that end, Sir Brian Gregory has been hired on to lead our newly formed HR department.

 Gregory

Any and all complaints should be directed to Mr. Gregory's office. He will respond "in due time."

- Gene the Rhino (soon to be killed)

Gene the Rhino: ON BOARD

Gene the Rhino has been hired as Staff Rhino.

Gene

Gene will start immediately, with the 43rd floor west wing restroom evacuation.

- Horatio

Monday, June 8th. 2015

Lunch - Garlic Chicken - Chinese restaurant. NO COMMENT.

Dinner - Leftover amberjack filet for dinner. Day 2 of amberjack: juan carlos-mejia!

"THAT'LL DO IT."

Horatio Passes

Horatio has passed.

Horatio (Dead)

The matter will be addressed no further.

Horatio will remain on staff.

- Edwin

Horatio the Mule Joins TFL Staff

Horatio the Mule has joined our staff as Staff Mule.

No further information will be offered.

- Staff Dead Hippo Edwin

Sunday, June 7th, 2015

Lunch -  Kentucky fried chicken. I don't know what that was inside the bun, but it wasn't a "chicken tender". I think it was either a piece of a dress shoe or human ear.

Dinner - Turkey burger with lettuce and ketchup - a true delight, kind of like when El Duque beat the Indians in game 4 of the 1998 alcs.

 

Late Night Snack - No!

Edwin the Hippo Passes

Edwin the Hippo (Dead)

No explanation will be offered.

Edwin will remain on staff.

- Ern Ploop

Thursday, June 4th, 2015

Lunch - Bag of sunflower seeds. I may have gone into some sort of "sun
& salt coma" for a few seconds. Came out of it with VIGOR and had a
handful of Lays stax potato chips.

"You may need to cut down on salt, young man." - Dr. Herbin Shish

Dinner - Wendy's drive-thru. Chicken nuggets and fries.

If I wanted to have chicken nuggets from Wednesday, I would've gotten
them on Wednesday instead of Thursday

They tasted like tire.

Monday, June 1st, 2015

"It was a light day." - Derwood Morris

"Late Lunch" - mixture of Indian chicken and Chinese chicken. I'm bringing countries and continents together, FOR THE GREATER GOOD! The rice was probably from Ohio, so I am bringing three countries together.

Ehhhhhhh. You know, good spicy Indian chicken- not much more to say. I dont remember the name of the place I got it at. LETS NOT INCLUDE THAT.

Late Night - Utz Bavarian Pretzels - 14,000 (unofficially). No comment. Plus at least 6 sour patch kids (also unofficial). Approximately 1/2 of a barbecue chip (stale, discarded)

Sunday, May 30th, 2015

Lunch - fried chicken and red beans and rice at El Pollo. The chicken place was inside a gas station, but that wasn't the problem. The red beans and rice tasted like old man bottom-of-foot-skin pieces - the kind of pieces that fall off all the time and the man doesn't even notice. It will be the worst red beans and rice I'll ever eat in my entire life. If that's not the case, and one day I have worse, I'll give everyone in the state of Ohio four unsalted cashews.

Chicken: N/A

Dinner - Checkers chicken sandwich and fries. After the lunch debacle of '15 (L.D.-15), anything would've tasted like a gourmet meal eaten off the forehead of Jesus Christ himself (or "Him"). But this was a good meal either way, especially after I toasted the buns and warmed up the chicken and fries in the oven because apparently fast loses its 'heat' 17 seconds after it's handed to you from the the drive-thru person ('Leanette').

Sorry to anyone behind me in the drive-thru line who wanted Hi-C, BECAUSE THEY GAVE IT ALL TO ME!

- Staff Writer Edwin